24 April 2013

kamil's dilemma


I am a 39 year old man with sickle cell disease and alcohol addiction. After reading your articles on depression and erectile dysfunction, I decided it was time to share my story.
Mine is the worst there is but I don't want pity, I just want those people that have the same problem as me to know that they are not alone.

When I was 8 years old, I had my first sustained painful erection for days. My parents are educated but didn't know what to do. This continued for years until I was 14 years old, . The last "priapism" (sustained painful erection) lasted for a week before I got treatment for it.  Thereafter, I couldn't maintain an erection for more than 2 minutes. I still have weak early morning erections but by the time I am  aware of it, it goes down.  I have never had sex with a woman, I have never masturbated. I doubt if I even have sperm, let alone be able to father a child....

When I entered the university, I met a girl and fell in love. I tried my best to please her with oral sex and finger stimulation but eventually, she got tired of me and left. During the relationship, She had several sexual affairs but I never blamed her, as long as she always came back to me.
After 2 years, she broke it off when her best friend got married and she realised there was no family future with me. I heard she got married 3 years ago and is blessed with a child.

After we broke up I was depressed. I became a mess and as a result, I never finished school. I just sank deeper and deeper into depression and eventually drowned in alcohol and other drugs.

My parents managed to get me a moderate paying job as a civil servant. This is when I met my new partner, Wale. Yes, a man like me. He loves me but I don't because in this relationship, I am the woman. The type of sex we have is anal sex. I am always at the receiving end because I cannot sustain an erection. Initially it was painful but at least I had a confidant and someone who cares.

I really like women but I have nothing to offer them, I have erectile dysfunction, I am an alcoholic and worst of all I am a "sickler". I saw a Psychiatrist a year ago but he wasn't really interested in my erectile dysfunction and my sexual orientation, he only gave me meds for depression and  referred me some where else for alcohol rehab. 

I don't feel sorry for myself any more, I want to move forward...I am managing my sickle cell well and the alcoholism, but is there hope for my erectile dysfunction? I want to have sex with a woman, I want to know what it feels like to have an orgasm.  Is it too late for me?


All experiences and dilemmas shared have been edited, with names and events changed for confidentiality. To share, send an email to doclaitan@gmail.com. Response to dilemmas are posted on Fridays. Please advice Kamil. Thank you.