19 July 2013

Dear Yele

It is quite unfortunate that you are in this kind of situation. I would respond in two voices without being judgmental to neither you nor your husband and hope you find my advice helpful.


#1.
An infant born with undescended testis can have surgery to bring the testis down from the abdomen into the scrotum like it should have in the womb. This corrects the abnormality before the testis becomes destroyed in the abdomen. Some mothers or care givers easily recognise this problem and seek help, others might not. Now as a man, you seek help and discover your likelihood of fathering a child is near zero. The ideal thing to do is to tell the woman you love about it and hope she sticks to you against all odds. Only 5% of women would understand, most would simply walk or run away. The man with such prior experience is not likely to tell the next person he meets for fear of rejection and humiliation. This man might go to any length to take his secret to the grave. The only person he believes he is lying to is himself. If he cannot bear to lose the woman of his dreams, he would definitely not tell her. If he does tell her, he would always believe she doesn't think of him as a complete man even if she whole heartedly adores and respects him. I have met a couple who have a child,the man knows he didn't father the child because he can't and his wife knows she did what she had to do to get pregnant. The man said he couldn't tell her that he knew the child wasn't his own because that would destroy the family . The child is now 20 years old. They had both lied to each other for 20 good years. I adviced them to tell the truth to each other and they eventually did during a couple's therapy session. It is better to accept your disabilities and move on with life than to believe that the only one suffering is you. When a woman loves, she loves totally. If you tell a woman and she leaves, then she isn't the right one. As much you loved him then, would you have married him if he had told you?If you would't have stayed then pack your things now and go.

#2.
All mothers would agree that the gift of motherhood is the best of them all. Nobody wants to be left out! After marriage, the next big deal is pregnancy. To deny a woman of this intentionally is to cheat her in such a way that even the death of her mother isn't so painful....afterall her mum had been born, lived her life and died. Marriage is a sacred institution entered through the front door widely open. When you get married to someone with lies and secrets of any kind, it is called a back door marriage. These ones seldom last. People getting married before God and taking vows should realise that this is my life partner and to him/her I pledge my life. No secrets, no lies, no deceit. The holy books frown at divorce but if you are suffering abuse in the form of psychological or physical then you should be excused.
Psychological abuse can happen when the foundation of marriage is based on lies and harsh words. The woman may eventually suffer from depression, and believe me when I tell you frankly as a psychiatrist that depression kills millions worldwide yearly. Answer this question; I know you have forgiven him but you definitely cannot forget (except I hypnotize you), are you willing to move on with your life without regrets and guilt about staying? If your answer is yes, then stay.